what did we age into

i'm not sure how to explain this phenomenon that took place without my notice until i looked back and suddenly saw, but the best way to put it is that i have aged.

i am usually pleased by the thought that i do not act, speak or present myself as the age i am. in fact, if i'm honest, i probably take a little pride in that i matured before i was expected to and that people often fail to guess my age accurately. i know i am capable beyond my age and i've always subscribed to the idea that age should never be an obstacle to goals.

except the past nine months was like pressing fast forward on the navigation bar of my mental and emotional age. i'm so sped up i'm scared it won't stop.

i feel parts of me growing cynical and pessimistic. i find myself always concerned. i don't know where carefree is anymore. and i tell myself that this summer i'll be able to relax. but even as i think that i send out resumes and cover letters to anywhere that i find even a chance possibility of a job between the middle of may when i'm released from school and the end of august when i dive back in. i feel like an adult while simultaneously feeling that i shouldn't be that adult yet.

oh "maturity" is that word that is complimentary up to one point, pity up to the next and then merely polite when you're past that one. i'm phasing in between the word's use as a compliment of wisdom beyond years and it's use as compliment-disguising-sympathy for your loss of adolescence.

pablo picasso said the following words when told he painted like a child. (his father being an art instructor, he became a master of technical perfection by the age of 7 - 10 etc.)

"It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child."

in a sense - i suppose it took me no time at all to "mature" - i can only hope i learn to be a child.