not exactly sure where it is that i go from here.
i was questioning myself as to whose respect, opinion and admiration or approval i seek in life. but then i realized the accompanying question is - what do all these sectors of people ask of me? and what do i ask of myself?
i feel like i may be slowly suffocating myself into a claustrophobic unescapable cube of expectations. it's not wrong to want to be better is it? except i realize it's wrong to constantly believe that what i do and how i act is simply not good enough. there are so many things i want to be.
i want to be a good daughter. a good sister. a good friend. a good girlfriend. a good student. a good scholar. a good designer. a good artist. a good Christian. a good daughter of Christ. and "good" doesn't entirely express what i feel like i should be able to be pushed to do. i don't want to be passable or adequate - i want to be stellar. stunning. superb. and i realize that the desire to be all this comes, sometimes, from perhaps not the most sincere place. am i seeking to be a good friend so that my friends will realize i am and praise me for it? am i seeking to be a good student so that my professors will take a liking to me and remember who i am?
i think my desires are true. in the sense that i desire to be, that i push myself to be because i know i can be. because i know that's what the best of me is and i only want to present my best to the people i care about and to myself. i may struggle to live up to my own set of standards but at least i can look straight at myself and understand i try as hard as i can, that i strive to be even when it seems that i cannot be much more anymore.