what did we SEEK
copy and paste of a section of a conversation with di:
"i had / still have / still stressing about price
but i feel like
i truly tried my best
and this was my first time and i mean - God works in this even when i am unconscious of it
plus my parents are being super understanding
so at this point of no return i feel like rather than being mournful and guilty and sad - i need to learn to be grateful, joyful and learn from the experience"
it's true. the past two and a half weeks have been stressful beyond almost any other period of time in my (still young) life. apartment hunting, looking at more places than i can now recollect (somewhere around twenty five), dealing with brokers and people and understanding what we need and what we want and what we should do is like pushing something harder than it is willing to bend but forcing it to be flexible. like gently bending a plastic spoon to touch both ends together - practically impossible, incredibly difficult, ridiculous. "i don't know" "ok" "i see" have just been on repeat for me and they're all such neutral nothing statements that mean so little.
today at about 11:00 i received the news that we had for sure received the apartment we hoped for. i was ecstatic. i literally jumped up and down. then this evening the stress struck again. how did i end up at this price? how did i feel like i deserved this? how did i result at this? and why was i feeling so guilty?
thank God for church and people at church who truly mean it when they ask you how you're doing, can see the stress in your face and sit you down to talk to you about your troubles in detail and then pray for you. i'm feeling increasingly at peace with where i am and what i'm doing. i believe there is meaning and intention from God in every detail of my life - even my rent. i am happy. i want to be happy being happy. and at peace.